Why was she standing outside?

You’re not going to like this one.

The question must be asked: Why was Mary outside? Why did Jesus refuse to speak with her? Why did he tell the people with him that they were his true family? What did Mary think when she learned he had said that?

horse and cart, Prejmer, Romania

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Matthew 12.46-50

While he was still speaking to the crowds, his mother and his brothers were standing outside, wanting to speak to him. But to the one who had told him this, Jesus replied, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” And pointing to his dis­ciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”

No matter how you look at this, it seems harsh. What did Mary do to offend Jesus so much that he refused to see her?

Jesus’ mother and brothers were outside. They had come to speak with him and, not being able to push through the crowds, sent a message that they wanted to see him. He refused and said that his mother and brothers were those who did the will of God.

The insinuation, quite surprisingly, is that his mother and brothers were not doing the will of God. It is serious enough that Jesus says this of James, the future leader of the church in Jerusalem. But to say it of his mother is astonishing, if not sacrilegious. Mary was visited by the angel Gabriel to tell her she had been favored to give birth to a son who would sit on the throne of David and rule over the house of Jacob forever. He said that her child would be called the Son of God. Even if everyone else held a sliver of doubt about her claim to be with child by the Holy Spirit, she knew for certain it was true. She was visited by the shepherds and Simeon and Ana and the wise men. She treasured all these things in her heart. She was there for his first miracle. She knew about the choosing of the Twelve, his travels, his teachings, his healings... It was this woman he refused to see: the mother of God.

She is standing outside and Jesus stays where he is, with strangers.

A bit strange, isn’t it?

Yes, it is strange. After all the things Mary knew about Jesus first hand, far more than anyone else, she was standing outside and strangers had packed the place so tightly that she had to ask them to send a message to her son to come outside. A bit embarrassing. But then he said no. Very embarrassing. And hurtful.

Why?

Why was she standing outside?

The place was so packed that only the people arriving early got to sit close to Jesus. Why wasn’t she there first?

Why didn’t she feel the need to be there? When Jesus said, “prophets are not without honor, except in their hometown, and among their own kin, and in their own house”, who was he talking about? Someone other than his own kin and own house? Why wasn’t Mary sitting at his feet, transfixed, like these strangers? Was he just too familiar for her to see him as anything special?

When Jesus was twelve years old he stayed in Jerusalem while his parents left with the group of travelers, not realizing he was left behind. When they found him he was in the temple, sitting among the teachers, who were amazed at his understanding and his answers. He said to his parents, “Why were you searching for me? Did you not know that I must be about my Father’s interests?”

Why weren’t his parents amazed at his understanding and his answers? They had him with them every day. Didn’t they realize who was living in their house? If they didn’t recognize it before, didn’t they begin to understand who he was when he was sitting in his Father’s house? Did they see him as nothing but their son? How was it that other people—strangers—saw him as something special but they didn’t?

Now, eighteen years later, he is still with people who are amazed, Mary still has not realized that he must be about his Father’s interests, and she still sees him as only her son.

Jesus made friends of tax collectors and harlots. Certainly he held no feelings against his mother and brothers. They could have been there, inside with him. They should have been there.

But instead they were standing outside. Late comers. Later than all the others.

Too late.

And not coming to listen, but to talk.

When Joseph told his brothers that the sun, the moon, and eleven stars bowed down to him in a dream, his father Jacob was offended and said, “Shall we indeed come, I and your mother and your broth­ers, and bow to the ground before you?” It is not something parents do: to bow down to their children. It is certainly not something brothers do: to bow down to their brother. (And yet they did—when they didn’t realize who he was.)

Jesus said, “Whoever comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, and even his own life, cannot be my disciple.” We say that Jesus refused to leave the path his Father had set out for him in order to deal with the regular things of life, even if it was his own mother. That’s part of it, but there’s more.

Mary wasn’t one of the regular things if life. She was Mary.

Mary should have been with him. It was her duty to be there. She more than anyone should have known who he was and understood what it meant to be at his side. But she stayed home. And so she made herself one of the regular things of life.

How could she have left that precious place to look after the mundane affairs of life? It was hers for the taking. But she left it to take care of more important things.

But only one thing is important.

She should have been with him instead of standing outside.

Jesus is not just saying he is refusing to step off the path for five minutes to talk with his mother. He is saying, quite pointedly, that his disciples were his mother and brothers—now—because his mother and brothers no longer were. They didn’t prize their unique position as the first ones he would have wanted by his side, didn’t see him as anything special, didn’t worship him, didn’t really even want to spend too much time with him. Their once-in-a-ten-billion chance was left empty, and so it was filled by strangers.

In Luke 9.57-62 is Jesus’ teaching on discipleship. He turns people away with abrupt dismissals: “Let the dead bury their own dead.” Did Jesus mean this for everyone except himself? Obviously not. When he says to let the dead bury their own dead, that has to mean he did not go back home for funerals. He couldn’t have done that when he told his followers not to. He probably didn’t go back home for holidays or family get-togethers either. “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.” He said it to others because that’s how he lived and he was telling them he was not going to tolerate disciples who expected to leave every time something at home needed their attention.

Only one thing is important.

Prophets are not without honor except in their own house. Why would Jesus say that if it weren’t true of his own situation? And why would he say it unless he was bothered by it? Would he say it if it was a general truth but not true of him? It is easy to think that his brothers didn’t regard him as anything special, but it is a different thing to say that of Mary, his mother. Yet, the evidence says she not grasped what Gabriel meant when he told her that her child would be called the Son of God. We have no record of her sitting at his feet while he taught, following him around as the crowds did (none of them had important things to take care at home?), or being amazed by his miracles. Apparently she stayed home and once in a while (possibly only once) came to him to talk. (Possibly she would not have come a second time after the reply she got here.)

Did Mary know what Jesus said? If so, what must she have thought? Was she alive when the Gospels were written? If so, what did she think when people asked if it was true: this thing Jesus had said?

We don't know how Jesus felt about it. From the text it seems his response was fairly flat. But I think it must have hurt that his mother was outside instead of at his side. Yes, he had left home, but she could have come along. She decided to stay. Now he was making it official: you either stay with me or go away, because I’m staying here.

He didn’t leave her: she refused to follow. And so he kept his course, which he had to, with strangers instead of her.

His disciples said, “Lord, to whom can we go? You have the words of eternal life.” His disciples refused to leave. His mother and brothers refused to stay.

What a shame. How great Mary’s loss was.